At the beginning of this semester, with all the requisite uncertainty of a class schedule with lab times yet-to-be-determined and problem sets that take 1/5th of the time that they will take in a short week or two and no research papers looming just yet, I was feeling good about my time management, and about how I'd pared down my commitments from last year. Maybe it was the book on boundaries, or how good it felt to live, as one of my friends commented insightfully last year, with "margins," or my new understandings that 1) expectations are not obligations, and 2) being able to do something doesn't automatically mean that you should. But mostly, I'm convinced, it was God's grace, and his patient lessons on doing the important things, not all the things. He'd given me a verse from Matthew 5:34--"Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes' and your 'No,' 'No;' anything beyond this comes from the evil one."--and had been teaching me what this meant.
I was involved (in a sort of confusing, nebulous way... oh GOD!! I still really need your wisdom!) in a Christian fellowship, was dedicated to singing in the Gospel Ensemble, and had a job tutoring. And that seemed just about right.
But I'm still learning, and far from there yet. Boundaries, and saying no, are a work in progress. I got an email at the beginning of last week that was mostly a series of questions about whether I'd be able to do several different things, and it was still overwhelming. I probably should have said no, and been clear, and let it be--but I didn't. In a sort of misguided concession, I said yes to half the requests, and no to the other half. And then other things started to come up: mentoring, and volunteering, and whatever else. Soon I was asking myself not if the things I'd agreed to were what I should be doing, but where I could fit in the time to do them.
This is foolish.
So I've been trying to rectify this, sending out emails to clarify and adjust my commitments, trying to make sure that, even if I'm having to change my 'Yes' to a 'No' (still learning! teach me, Father God.), at least then the 'No' in my heart will match the 'No' I've spoken--and the same for 'Yes.' Although I think this passage in Matthew is admonishing Christians to be clear with their commitments and to be able to say, 'No' when it's necessary, I am coming to see that it's also about the sheer importance of having a mouth that says 'Yes' only when the heart is also saying 'Yes.'
Now, to make one vital clarification: Jeremiah (17:9) rightly points out, "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" So no, it is not enough--in fact, it is dangerous!--to act merely based on our whims. After all, we are clearly instructed to "live by faith [the things of God, I'd say], not by sight [our fickle hearts and emotions]" (2 Corinthians 5:7). But there is a still, small voice in our spirits that, as I learned in Pursuing God's Will Together, has long been recognized as the Holy Spirit, who can work through desolation (making us feel uneasy and "wrong" about a decision) and consolation (giving us a profound sense of peace when our decision aligns with God's will). (The terms desolation and consolation are from St. Ignatius--check it out!!)
So, I'm saying NO to a lot of things these days, almost infinitely more than I used to (since I used to avoid that word pretty carefully). I know that, as I learn I'll say yes to some of the wrong things and no to some of the right ones--but I trust that God will correct me.
No comments:
Post a Comment